Dirty English Page 17

  His words went straight to my gut, and I turned back to face him.

  His eyes bored into mine. “Can’t you see what’s happening between us? We keep pushing each other away because we’re scared. But that night at the gym—it wasn’t just sex for me, Elizabeth. I want you for real, all the good and bad parts together.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know what you mean.”

  A muscle ticked in his jaw. “Stop denying us.”

  Us? The colony of butterflies in my tummy went crazy.

  He continued. “You have wounds. Deep ones. I see that. You’re living in the past with no hope for the future, but you do have hope. I saw it when you talked about your jewelry. I saw it when I made love to you. Just—open your heart. Let me in.” His words were insistent, his eyes soft. Earnest. I sucked in a sharp breath.

  God, he was beautiful.

  So was Colby.

  Didn’t he see that I couldn’t change for him? Did he really think I would hand him the razors to cut out my heart piece by piece? It wasn’t just a paper thing you could tape back together.

  “My heart is not easily mended,” I whispered. “And you—you have the potential to rip it apart permanently, so much more than Colby ever did.”

  He exhaled. “I will never hurt you.”

  “Colby said that too,” I said bitterly.

  “Listen to me, Elizabeth,” he clasped my hand, his gray eyes peering down at me intently. “I’ve known since the frat party that we have a connection. There’s a magnet in my chest that’s drawn to yours. Maybe it was lust at first sight. Maybe it was the vulnerable way you looked at me, but mostly, it—it was the dragonfly. This feeling … it’s crazy and I can’t define it, but I think—I think I’m falling for you.”

  Love?

  Love cuts out your heart piece by piece, feeding it to the boy you love.

  But this is Declan. He’s different, a small voice whispered.

  But …

  “What do you want from me?” My voice was torn, my emotions all over the place.

  He cupped my cheek, his thumb caressing the curve of my face. “The truth. How do you feel? Do you hate me? Do you want me to kiss you?” His full lips tilted up in a sweet smile, like he already knew the answer. I guess he did.

  He leaned his head down and pressed his warm mouth against mine. The pressure was gentle and sweet at first, but like everything between us, it got hot fast. His hand snaked into my hair and cupped my head as our tongues tangled, massaging, our passion rising with each dark stroke. God, yes. I wanted this. Him. Forever.

  But all I could think about was Colby. I eased back from him and rested my forehead against his chest.

  Afraid to look at him. Afraid to face the truth of what I had to do.

  He tilted my chin up, his eyes heavy with desire. “Don’t pull away, Elizabeth. Not from me.”

  But I did.

  I exhaled heavily, all the while trying to mentally distance myself from his heady maleness that made me want to crawl into him and never leave.

  “Come with me and we’ll get out of here,” he said quietly. “Just—don’t tell me what I think I see on your face.”

  I closed my eyes. No, this had to stop. If he wanted the truth, I’d give it to him.

  “Wait,” I said, taking another step back. “You haven’t heard everything. Colby—he chased me relentlessly, and I just couldn’t wrap my head around why a guy like him wanted me. I didn’t have rich parents or the right clothes or even a car. I wasn’t popular, although that changed once he made it known he wanted me. Suddenly I was part of the in-crowd. Girls wanted to be my bestie. Guys talked to me. Looking back, I see now I was merely a trophy to him, the girl he couldn’t have. The virgin.” I bit my lip hard.

  Declan’s face tightened.

  My gut churned with memories, but I couldn’t stop. I had to get it all out this one last time. “He—he bought me flowers, texted me fifty times a day, and I was too naïve to see what was right in front of my face. He was a player who’d left a trail of broken hearts—but he told me I was different and that he’d change for me.” I sucked in a deep breath, forcing the words out. “Prom night he provided the alcohol and drugs. Things got hazy. One moment I was dancing and the next I was in a hotel room with my dress ripped apart. It wasn’t what I wanted,” my voice cracked, and I yanked it back under control. “That night, darkness slithered its way into my heart, and I vowed to never fall in love again. Two days later, my mom still wasn’t home from Vegas, and I—I slit my wrists to end the blackness inside me. I—I never want love to push me to the brink of ending myself again.”

  Declan had taken to pacing during my story, but now he came to a standstill and looked at me, his fists clenched at his side. “I’ll kill the bastard.”

  My voice quivered. “He’s untouchable—even for you.”

  “Did you report him?”

  “And ruin my life? Put myself through a pointless court battle and public censure? I’m a nobody!”

  “Never say that.” The tightness around his mouth softened as his eyes searched mine. I pulled back from him even more, my eyes everywhere except on his face.

  He saw too much.

  He gathered my stiff body in his arms and held me.

  But I couldn’t relax. I wanted to hide away forever. I wanted to disappear.

  “I got you, Elizabeth. Let me take care of you. Let me be the one you run to. We can figure it all out together.”

  My breath hitched. I debated on telling him more about Colby, about the text and the threat behind it, but I couldn’t involve him. I couldn’t lead him on. Because in the end, I could never love again.

  “Elizabeth?”

  I gazed up at him. “Declan …” My voice trailed off, unable to form the words that teetered on my lips.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked, eyes clinging to mine, hope on his face.

  “I—I can’t.” My voice sounded strangled.

  “Tell me why.”

  Emotions warred in me, part of me wanting to sink into his arms and throw caution to the wind, but the other side …

  “Why won’t you let me in?” he insisted.

  “You know why,” I said, closing my eyes briefly and pulling back.

  “Say it. Get some guts and just fucking say it. You know how you feel about me.” His hands clutched my arms.

  “Because I—”

  “Yes?”

  I shook my head and swallowed down the words in my heart and went with the ones in my head. “I—I can’t be with you. You’re all wrong for me. You’re a fighter and you’re beautiful and you’ll break my heart. You’re just another one-night stand, okay? That’s it. Nothing more. Just—just leave me alone. We’re done.” I jerked away from him, chest heaving.

  Immediately, I wanted to yank the words back, but the rules girl in my head told me to run and end this misery.

  So I did.

  “Wait,” he barked out, but I moved furiously through the quad, dodging students as I bolted for the parking lot.

  AN AVALANCHE OF emotions slammed into me as I watched her weave through the quad. Running from us. She’d rejected me, just as if she’d reached in my chest and squeezed the fuck out of my heart.

  So much for putting it out there on the table and taking a chance.

  She was falling in love with me too, but the kicker was she didn’t want to.

  I knew it. She knew it.

  I watched her until she got to the street, her lonely figure hunched over as she checked the crosswalk and then crossed hurriedly, headed for the carpark. She moved like the devil was behind her, and dammit, I didn’t want to be the person who put that freaked-out look on her face.

  I’d just wanted to see where we could go from here.

  I wanted her in my bed at night and every morning.

  I wanted her in my skin.

  I wanted her in my soul.

  And I wanted in hers.

  Yet …

  She was afraid because of Col
by Scott. Fucking rapist. My anger skyrocketed, my blood racing through my veins when I thought about him.

  I was going to kill him. Slowly and with my bare hands.

  Fuck. I rubbed my hair, my hands tugging on the ends. But it wasn’t just Colby keeping us apart, was it? There was the fighting, and no way in hell was I giving up my dream. I lived and breathed by my fists. My gym meant everything to me, and maybe I’d even shoot for a UFC stint when I got settled.

  With a heaviness in my chest, I stalked back toward the cafeteria and people shuffled to go around me on the sidewalk. Considering the mix of what I was feeling, there was no telling what was on my face.

  Dax had come outside and walked toward me. He pulled up next to me, a wary look on his face. “Where’d she go? Did you cock it up?”

  I exhaled, trying to let go of the lingering frustration. “She went home, and no, I didn’t cock it up for your information. I told her I wanted more, and she told me to stay away. Oh, she also said I was nothing but a fuck to her. Nice little conversation.”

  He opened his mouth, but I held my hand up. “Not now. I don’t want any bloody questions. She told me how she felt, and I am officially finished.”

  His mouth tightened. “I just want to help. I like her and I think she’s good for you.”

  “Yeah? She doesn’t want me, brother.”

  But she’s afraid, a voice reminded me. So? I had my bloody pride too.

  He let out a sigh. “It’s just—there’s something about the two of you…the way you look at her…bollocks, I don’t know. You should go after her. Don’t give up so soon.”

  Leftover anger flared again. “Great. Romance advice from the guy who’s never had a serious relationship. Thanks but no thanks.”

  “Don’t be an arse.”

  “Don’t be a nosy parker,” I snapped. “You don’t know what the bloody hell you’re on about.”

  “You’re my twin. I can read you like a book. You’re halfway in love with her already.”

  I barked out a laugh. “Maybe if you did read a real book, you’d pass your classes.”

  “Knobhead. You don’t know when to shut your gob do you?”

  “Back to the name calling? Very mature,” I said with gritted teeth. “You best take a step back, brother, and think about what you’re doing.”

  We faced off with each other, our eyes glaring as the moments ticked by.

  Suddenly he relaxed his stance, his shoulders dipping as he took a step back and surveyed me critically. He waved his hands at me. “This. This is how I know you’re in trouble when it comes to Elizabeth. Your fists are clenched, you’ve got this crazy look in your eye, and your hair looks like squirrels are living in it you’re pulling on it so much. You’re in deep shit, and you don’t know how to handle it.”

  I rubbed my temple, my anger cooling rapidly. I shouldn’t be angry at him. This wasn’t about Dax. This was about her.

  His eyes went to something behind me. “Bollocks. Here comes more trouble.”

  I turned to see Nadia approaching at a fast pace, her hips swinging as she crossed the quad and came to a halt in front of us. Her voice was slightly breathless. “Hey, I saw Elizabeth running away from you from inside the cafeteria. Is everything okay?”

  “Stalker,” Dax muttered.

  Her green eyes hardened as she swiveled toward him. They’d never really got along; mostly because she’d been jealous of the closeness he and I shared.

  I gave her my noncommittal shrug and made to walk off from both of them when she grabbed my hand. “Wait. I—I need to tell you something about Elizabeth. Remember us talking about our mutual friend Colby? I talked to him yesterday, and he told me the truth. She’s got an absolutely terrible reputation in Petal—”

  I jerked back from her as if she scalded me. “Shut up, Nadia, you don’t know jack,” I snarled. “Don’t ever say his name again. He’s a—” I caught myself when her eyes flared wide. I couldn’t betray Elizabeth.

  “He’s a what?”

  “Nothing. Just stay away from him—and me.”

  She gasped but quickly recovered. “Why? You can’t just say that and not follow up.” She hitched her bag up on her shoulder. “Is he not who I think he is?”

  Dax smirked and raked his eyes over her. “Is anyone? Sometimes you have a girlfriend who says she loves you but then she screws a Ninja Turtle.”

  She reddened, her eyes glaring. “Stay out of this, Dax. I’m talking to Declan. Not you.”

  He nudged his head at me. “Look at him, Nadia. He isn’t thinking about you or your shit. He was over you the day you cheated. He wants Elizabeth. Scoot on along now little slag.”

  Her lips tightened. “I know what that word means.”

  “Indeed,” he smirked. “That was my intention.”

  She flicked a strand of hair and huffed, but he wasn’t done yet, and I wondered if it was because he’d never seen me this worked up over a girl.

  “By the way, I hadn’t had a chance to say anything to Declan yet, but I ran into one of your sorority sisters at the Tau house last week. I flirted a bit—as I usually do—and suddenly we were involved in a deep conversation about you. She just so happened to mention that your mum is not at home these days, but is in fact currently on a two-month-long cruise around the world. Interesting. It must be hard to get chemo out on the ocean.”

  She paled, her eyes flaring wide. “Wha—What? Who told you that? She—she’s home.”

  He smiled. “Then why are you stuttering? The thing is, I’m guessing you made that story up so Declan would talk to you again so you could manipulate him into feeling sorry for you and eventually taking you back. It needs to stop, Nadia.”

  Several seconds went by until finally her shoulders dipped in defeat. Tears spilled down her cheeks. She turned to me, a pleading look on her face, and I read the truth there. I expected her lies to bother me more than they did, but the truth was I hadn’t loved her enough, and the only feeling left was pity.

  All my emotions were too wrapped up with Elizabeth. She was all I could think about.

  I exhaled heavily and walked away.

  I didn’t have shit to say to either one of them.

  I just wanted to be alone.

  And later? I wanted to fight.

  I HATED THE color pink, any shade of it.

  The soft pink like you’d see on a baby blanket, the hot-pink shade of lipstick that Mama sometimes wore, and even shades of maroon pricked at me. For two years now, the mere idea of wearing that color made my stomach churn. My prom dress had been a glittery, delicious pink, the shade of strawberry ice cream, with sparkles.

  But as Shelley and I walked down Freemont Street on our way back from my meeting with Sylvia Myers for my jewelry interview, I came to a complete halt in front of a consignment shop window. I’d been in the store before to hunt through their old books or to look for good quality used clothing. The artist in me loved the unique and eye-catching window displays the owner put together.

  Today, the display blew my mind. Everything was pink.

  Shelley stopped next to me, her fashion designer eyes raking over the ensemble inside. “You like the dress? Kinda dated for you, don’t you think?”

  “It’s beautiful,” I said, my eyes running over the window. At the ceiling were pink papier-mâché clouds with a crystal chandelier hanging in the middle. Below that was the only mannequin, a tall blond wearing an empire-waist dress with heavy lace dripping from the sleeves and the tea-length hem. It was romantic and pink, and nothing I would ever wear—yet something about it called to me.

  Next to the mannequin rested a pink and white distressed desk with an old typewriter and a collection of books on top of it, their spines facing outward, giving me a clear view of the titles. Pride and Prejudice was right on top. Darcy came to mind … then Declan.

  I sighed, my eyes taking in the dress, part hippie chick, part vintage—and probably out of your budget, I reminded myself.

  “It looks like someone
vomited up cotton candy everywhere,” she said. “Besides, I thought you boycotted pink?”

  True. “I wonder how much it is?”

  “This place is reasonable. Plus you’ve got some money now.” She grinned widely and leaned in to give me another excited squeeze. She’d been bouncing along beside me since we’d left the interview, and her enthusiasm was contagious. I smiled back. I had to admit, I was giddy myself considering Sylvia had just offered me a thousand dollars for three of my jewelry drawings which she’d then hand over to her artisans in Ashville to recreate.

  Letting go of those designs had felt like a small step on my way to finding the artist inside me again, as if I’d climbed a hill and reached the top. It wasn’t quite the mountain, but I knew if I kept putting one step in front of the other, eventually I’d get to the summit.

  And then I thought of Declan. Again. What if he was everything I’d been unconsciously searching for these past two years? What if he was the one I was meant to love—right in my hands—and I was letting him slip away? Emotion swelled in my chest. Telling him to leave me alone had been one of the hardest things I’d ever done, and I hadn’t been able to sleep or think about anything but him for the past two days. His face. His eyes. His cocky grin. God, his kindness.

  Before I knew it, we’d stepped inside the shop and were met by a sales lady.

  “Can I help you, dears?” the older lady asked.

  “I’d like to look at the dress in the window,” I said.

  She showed us how to get up to the display through some rickety steps to the left of the window. “Go on up there and have a look, everyone does. It’s a small space, but you can move around. Just be careful.”

  We nodded and went that way.

  “Best we can estimate, the dress was manufactured here in the US. It’s a hundred percent silk with a lace overlay,” she called out from behind us as we stepped into the brightness of the window.

  We checked the price tag. One fifty. Pricey.

  I fingered the soft lace at the sleeve.

  Why did I even want it? Where would I wear it?

  “Try it on,” Shelley said in a hushed voice, which was odd, yet it was as if we both sensed the precipice I was standing on.